I want to reiterate that not all Asperger’s Syndrome children are alike. I am simply telling my experiences with Ben, my grandson.
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Ben has suffered from depression since he was a young child. He struggles with it even today as a twenty-year old. Today I will include one of his own writings and each time I read it, I am grieved again when I think of his world.
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Ben’s Thoughts Written 11/6/05
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The Suffering: MY SCHOOL STORIES
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Remember in elementary school whenever you only had one teacher to worry about? I do, and right now, I know high schools across the U.S. are taking a beating, because apparently, high schoolers have to do 10 times the amount of work, and it is also 10X more frequent. My life is a constant barrage of not knowing what work to do, not knowing how to do the work I am aware of, not understanding how to keep up with my work, not understanding how and why I can’t do the work while expressing my opinions in it or about it, not being able to express while even sorting out through the whole mess…and OH YEAH! My social problems like, I don’t
know KNOWING I’M NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR
ANYONE! NOT EVEN A GIRLFRIEND! Not to mention the fact that while Tm rotting my brain looking at the computer, all other kids my age are probably seeing movies with their friends or girlfriends. Til never experience that! I feel SO INCOMPLETE. I don’t even feel human anymore. Name one thing I could use to cure this….drugs, movies, happiness, ANYTHING! If all else fails, I will fail. Stress is like a sponge that soaks up your sanity. And mine is on the line. I can think about how things could be for me, but I never do! With only a few drops of sanity left, I’m not sure how much more “work” I can take. This, all of this, is just psychological torture solidified into hundreds of worksheets, projects, and tests I have to make up. I am on the edge of a gigantic cliff, and the work I have to do is the bulldozer that will push me all the way to the bottom which represents me losing the last of my sanity. If I have to stay at school until 10:00, let me stay! I will work. Or at least try.
I would sell my possessions – everything, even my bed – just to have a normal life. I know too much to be considered a teen. Disturbing things. Extremely pessimistic things. Nothing the “normal” teen could call common sense. But the one bit of knowledge I happen to lack is the one most important factor in growing up!! What they know is how to talk to other people without becoming shy, and talking to girls- everything normal males my age do. What I know is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. And that makes me bitter towards the people, everyone, regardless of gender, age, or stability. I am literally mentally decaying, and I’m the only one who sees it. I’m going to work full time to at least try to change it.

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